Embracing neurodiversity: a personal journey
I've dealt with overwhelming stress and anxiety my whole life, layered on top of what made me uniquely me. I never questioned the layer of 'born-with' complexity, I only focused on the aspects I believe could be ‘fixed’. I named and verbalised this layer as anxiety and stress. When describing it to medical practitioners, I often referred to it as ‘debilitating anxiety’.
I have a fascination with human behaviour fuelled by the understanding I had that the way I processed the world was different to others. I always believed that my differences and unique ways of coping with the world were primarily shaped by my life experiences. It never occurred to me that these traits might be indicative of being neurodivergent.
My focus was on how my life experiences had influenced my behaviour and thought processes, rather than considering the possibility of a neurodiverse condition.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I'm still learning what that means for me. Whilst receiving the diagnosis feels validating with so much resonance in how ADHD presents, there's also a sense of powerlessness in accepting who I am rather than changing who I am. My journey so far has been focused on finding ways to change myself, whether through medication or my relentless quest to ‘uncover the right tools’. One more research article may hold the magic ingredients of change, one more visit to another psychologist etc. I believed that if my experiences shaped who I am, I could alter my path by changing myself. I’m 51 – how impressive is my staying power on a path that was clearly not delivering results 😊! My diagnosis has been a significant catalyst in the realisation that the key to moving forward is accepting myself as I am rather than looking for ways to change and being frustrated at not making headway.
My ADHD manifests in various ways: a few highlights - relentless overthinking, catastrophizing, and adhering to rigid routines that provide a sense of control. I experience a deep-seated fear of driving to new places, which I actively avoid. My past experiences and memories blend seamlessly into my self-perception, presenting as deeply-rooted emotions that affect my present and future. This makes it challenging for me to compartmentalize and rationalize my emotions. Additionally, I’ve become adept at appearing to have everything together by mimicking neurotypical behaviour and driving hard at high performance in a professional environment. My ADHD diagnosis has left me grappling with the need to advocate for neurodiversity and embrace my true self. This will mean relinquishing the scaffolding and control processes I have carefully constructed over time to ensure that others are seeing a version of me that I have control over. How do I let the scaffolding fall – it has been my safety net for so long? My mind rejects the thought of others perceiving me as being incapable. A frightening concept of being authentically true to myself, asking for others to accept me as I am when for years, I haven’t been accepting of myself. I do know that I resonate strongly with the vision at Believe:ND and hope that even in some small part, I am able to contribute to a society that supports and celebrates the unique minds of neurodivergent individuals as I build my confidence in being true to who I am.
Understanding my ADHD is a journey, one that is ongoing and filled with both challenges and revelations. It has helped me realize that my anxiety and stress are not separate from who I am but intertwined with my very being. This realization is both daunting and empowering. It allows me to approach my mental health with a new perspective, one that acknowledges the complexity of my experiences and the uniqueness of my neurodiversity.
As I navigate this journey, I strive to be kinder to myself, to understand that my struggles are not a reflection of my worth but a testament to my resilience. Embracing my neurodiversity means recognizing that my mind works differently, and that's okay. It's about finding strength in my unique wiring and advocating for a world that understands and supports neurodiverse individuals.
In sharing my story, I hope to foster a greater understanding of neurodiversity and encourage others to embrace their unique experiences. Together, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for everyone, regardless of how our minds work.